The Right One Requires…

All too often when the topic of relationships comes up you will hear the following phrase, “I’ll know the right guy / gal when I see them.” Then the ‘perfect couple’ decides to start dating and go through the entire cycle until they break up. A basic review of the divorce rate which hovers well over 50% would indicate that whole process sucks as the failure rate is incredibly high.

I would submit that two primary reasons for this high rate come from some rarely followed but simple issues. In order to know who the “right guy/ gal” is, you have to know what the wrong guy / gal is. The dating game (relationship roulette wheel of grief) is touted as the trial and error method of learning. Well, my take is the dating game is supported and pushed by magazines and other popular media to prop up the sale of magazines, TV shows, movies, books, restaurant revenues, movie theater revenues, and the like. The only ones being rewarded by the dating game are the businesses.

I suggest something that in my time as a teacher was devised with the input of 6th graders. In an exercise devoted to decision making, we covered a few topics the kids were well aware of. Wisconsin is a deer hunting state. So one question asked was “How successful can you be at deer hunting with a gun if you are blind folded?” The obvious answer was not at all and someone was likely to get injured. The other was if you were given 1 bullet to be put in a gun guaranteed to kill anything you shot. Then they were instructed they would be sent to the Congo to bring back the Mokele mbembe as the natives called it. Without any further information, they had to tell me what they thought they would have to hunt and bring back. They all got it wrong.

The two scenarios were posed as questions to illustrate a critical point. You cannot find something if you do not know what you are looking for. Just as it is for hunting, relationships work much the same way. You have to know what traits you want and do not want in a potential special someone. Then give up on the dating game altogether.

Are these radical suggestions? Not really, just logical ones based out of having a desire to not set myself up to get hurt. First, dating never is a good method of getting to know someone. Both enter into it with false expectations and end up lying to each other by putting up facades that do not come down until much later. That is when the relationship begins to fail as the real personalities are shown.

So what am I suggesting? I’m suggesting something so simple most fail to get past their social programming to grasp it. I’m suggesting that we stop, think and make a list of what traits you are looking for and not looking for. To guide your thinking, there are only three primary categories to cover. For you, what will it take in the other guy / gal so that the two of you will have complete trust, understanding and communication. Those are the core aspects to a lasting relationship. How can you tell what is good and bad? Think of the people in your life that are of the opposite gender. For guys, think of your mom, sisters, aunts, cousins, and more. What about them bugs you, what can’t you stand? That goes on the traits side of what you do not want. What about them do you like? Get the picture?

The last portion to this is do not date. Instead, view everyone you meet as a potential friend. Start with building trust and see what kind of friend they are. The general wisdom is your spouse should be your best friend. Why make it harder than it needs to be?